She loves me, then she loves me not…

36 minutes and 40something seconds for the 8km time trial tonight. I have to admit though that I was coasting over the last kilometer or two. I felt a tad sluggish. Like there wasn’t enough gas in the tank to do what I normally like to do. My usual approach is to go really hard the last two or three kilometers. At that point we’re coming down the other side of a pretty steep hill. Foley’s Hill street, Bernard road, then Williams road. I push progressively harder to the finish. Tonight though I felt the sting in my legs. From about the 6.5km mark I kept imagining myself sprawled out on the grass, exhausted after the run. Thinking how nice that was gona be.

Screenshot_2015-08-12-23-42-49-1 Image obtained from

As much as I tried to get this image out of my head and concentrate on finishing strong I just couldn’t. When we turned off Seventeenth onto Harold avenue I saw the small group of people gathered just outside the Italian Club where Charlo running club does their runs from and I couldn’t have felt more relieved. I did collapse onto the grass in an exhausted heap once I was done. I lay there on my back for a little bit. 36 minutes isn’t too bad for now, especially given the lazy last couple of weeks I’ve had. It is really difficult (I’m finding) to keep pushing oneself when there isn’t a big race coming up. A Two Oceans Ultra or some other big deal of a race.

Motivation is a cruel teasing mistress. When she feels like it she showers me with love, and I feel like the king of the world. I run hard, I do my work outs,I get up early to put in my quotas before work etc… But when she is in one of her moods she is cold. She doesn’t leave me outright, but stands at a distance just out of my reach. Starving me of that love so I can’t do what I feel I have to do…

It is much the same with reading. Reading internal medicine that is.

Malignant hypertension: exudates, and retinal haemorrhages on ophthalmoscopy. When was the last time I did ophthalmoscopy when examining a hypertensive patient? Gotta make more of a habit of that. Fibrinoid necrosis and deposits. The red blood cells are damaged when they pass through these… and, and, and. Microangiopathic haemolytic anaemia. I read up on that earlier in the afternoon ’cause we have a patient in the ICU right now who we strongly suspect has malignant hypertension. Tolosa-Hunt syndrome, cavernous sinus thrombosis, and rheumatic heart disease (and of course if you read that you gotta look up infective endocarditis right? 😏) That’s what my ‘reading list’ has looked like lately. Based on patients that have passed through the critical care unit. I have swapped my medical physiology textbook for my medscape app. And I have read up on these conditions. To remind myself of the finer details (the last time I heard/read about cavernous sinus thrombosis I was in my 5th year at medical school!) It must be said though, that I read on the odd occasion when I was motivated. It is really difficult to sit and study when there isn’t some exam coming up.

I have a special admiration for the specialists I work under.Despite having worked so hard to get to where they are, to best help our patients they still read. An hour or two everyday, or at least every other day. To keep up to date with the latest findings (medical research is a never ending, ever progressing animal) and to remind themselves of the forgettable bits. I want to be like them.

At the moment though I find myself mostly waiting, lustfully waiting for Lady Motivation. She sidles up to me every now and then, and when she does. In those seemingly rare instances when she does I am able to do the things I want to do…

Maybe she'll call...?

Maybe she’ll call…?

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